How does evolution work? Am I really descended from an ape?

Darwin in Deweese, The short answer is yes, you are absolutely descended from an ape. But don't worry; it is actually a pretty cool thing. Think about how many cool things apes do. They climb on stuff, throw poop at each other, and even bump uglies at the zoo. I don't know about you, but that sounds like the BEST DAY EVER. So if my calculations are correct, our evolutionary process has peaked and will be heading in to the downward curve of "de-evolution" shortly. That means we will slowly devolve back to those hairy and fun-loving apes. The evidence is already in front of us, just look at John Cena. He is already fully devolved to his apish state. I, for one, can't wait.

What do you do if you have things growing on your pee pee. Like little circle things?

Me in Mexico, The first thing you need to do is immediately stop hanging out with the ladies down at the docks. They may be cheap and can do dirty things to you that no one will discuss, but they really do carry "the gift that keeps on giving." Next, get yourself a container of bleach, put in a copy of "Tiger Woods' Favorite Holes" on DVD and get to whacking and dipping. The more excited you get the more your sores will open up and let that healing bleach in. Do this three or four times a day for the next thirteen years and your johnson will be smooth and shiny in no time. That burning means it's working....*AskDrewNow.com in no way condones putting your genitals in bleach. However, having sex with ocean dock hookers is absolutely required*

Woah, why did your homepage change? Now it has text answers too?

Change Hater in Chickipee, we wanted to simplify the ADN experience and display everyone's questions equally on the homepage. So submit your questions and check back as much as possible. The new homepage will always be changing with all of your new, great questions. Also, the category links and archive links on the right side have not changed at all, so fear not! It's not too much change, even for you.

Where are you guys from?

Rudy in Rudderton, Presently, we have to keep our location a secret. Unfortunately, we have a few pending lawsuits against us, as well as our web designer's upcoming paternity battle on Jerry Springer, so for the time being we have to lay low. But fear not, if you really want to find us, just look to the rainbows. Find a beautiful flower in the meadow. Whisper a wish in to the crisp summer breeze. Wherever dreams live and your rash itches, we will be there. And if you want to get together for coffee, just send us a message, we are always happy to hang out with a fan.

If you could give one thing to your AskDrewNow.com fans for christmas what would it be?

Satana Moss in Mossy Oak, If I could give just one thing to every one of our AskDrewNow.com fans, it would certainly be the soon-to-be-released DVD: AskDrewNow.com Season 1. It, along with the herpes you may get from the packaging, is the gift that just keeps on giving. Can you imagine being able to watch all of your favorite ADN videos wherever you go? It would be glorious and, dare I say, equal or better even to the birth of a Jewish carpenter in a barn. Just kidding Bible Beater in Blythe, put down the angry letter you started writing, it's all in good fun. But seriously, keep those christmas spirits up Satana and keep an eye out for AskDrewNow.com Season 1, coming to DVD soon!

I take a lot of "half showers" because I get swamp ass all the time. Can you help with my excessive gas & EP's (emergency poops?) Thanks.

Hottie From Omaha, Believe it or not, everyone here at AskDrewNow.com suffers from swamp ass on a regular basis. In fact, we often take baths together just to soak the crust and curds from our lower halves. And as far as half showers go, by all means continue to take these as much as necessary. There really isn't any good reason to wash the top half of your body anyway, so you are really just saving time and water. Now, as far as excessive gas and emergency poops go, you are on your own there. Start by keeping a journal of every time you flatulate or defecate and, in 60 days or so, send it to me and I will go over it with my field of pooping experts. We will create a plan to help your bowels settle and your family and friends be able to stand near you again. So let's start that poop journal tomorrow, I eagerly await the stinky details.

Why does my local police dept. have surveillance cameras on the roof of their cop shop as well as their "mobile command center?" Is my town suddenly the crime capital? And why does the police chief license his newly purchased pickup in a different county?

Sutton Citizen in Selma, Chances are your local police force got a tip on some interesting activity that is about to happen in your town. While I don't know the details, I would guess it may have something to do with a possible live appearance from all of the members of AskDrewNow.com. We may be preparing a live comedy tour that may be making a stop in your town. Can you imagine the chaos that would ensue when we roll up in our '93 Chevy Station Wagon? Yep, they are simply preparing for the anarchy that will be the AskDrewNow.com Live Comedy Tour. Keep an eye on your cops and on AskDrewNow.com for details...coming soon!

Since Matt Clot was a candy corn farmer who has harvested his candy corn crop for Halloween and Thanksgiving, is he also a candy cane farmer who will have a candy cane crop for Christmas?

Momma Got Sauced in Meatville, Matt Clot, the expert candy corn farmer, actually has several other family members who help him with various farming ventures. Keep a close eye on AskDrewNow.com as you will get to see the handy work of one of his closest relatives very soon. I promise, it will be even better than candy canes.

Dear Drew, I'm so excited that I found out how babies were made!! Problem is, my heaven juice doesn't cum..er..come out very well. Is there a way to help get my heaven juice to flow out any better?

Clogged in Columbia, I would be happy to help you get your heaven juices flowing! First, you are going to need a few things. Get the biggest bottle of conditioner you can find, this will come in very HANDy for what you need to do. Next, find some nice scented candles to help set the mood. I would suggest lilac or sewage, but whatever you prefer will work. The last thing you will need is a nice picture to focus on while harvesting the heaven juice. I would go with either Jessica Biel or Chuck Norris, but again, whatever you prefer will work. Now comes the fun part! Put the poster up on the wall where it can clearly be seen. Then go ahead and light your candles and begin to relax. Now take the container you want to fill with heaven juice and....fill it with conditioner. BOOM! You have just made heaven juice. But be careful with your new hobby, it can lead to teenage turkey pregnancy and no one likes that.

Who are you? I lover your site so much!

Poo Pants in Poo Land, I am Drew. That is who I am. Although, some people call me their worst nightmare...just kidding (maybe.) So keep enjoying the site and I will continue to give you the best advice in the world. Get on YouTube and subscribe to our page, then hop on over to Facebook and join our group...oh, and go ahead and follow us on Twitter. Big things are happening here at AskDrewNow.com, stay tuned!

Dear Drew, How many teams are currently undefeated in the NFL?

Anton in Alexandira, I'm not 100% sure, so I am going to have to go ahead and say....64. I don't follow the NFL as I am a hardcore XFL fan and only follow that league for my football fix. Of course, seeing as how the XFL only existed for one season, it does get a bit predictable to watch the same games on DVD over and over. But that's ok, the extreme nature of the XFL is a perfect compliment to my lifestyle so I will continue to support them whole heartedly. Please let me leave you with these final, XFL inspired words: He Hate Me. Thank you, and goodnight.

I love nipples, is that strange?

Kaytee in Korea, No, that is not strange at all. Many people love nipples, it is something that is beautiful and natural. However, if you find your nipple obsession is starting to cause problems in your life, I would suggest satisfying your urges with some nice rubber nipples. Start using them to drink all of your beverages. Put them on your knees to keep warm on those chilly winter nights. Heck, you could even use them to feed a baby goat. So don't feel bad, just find safer and less disgusting ways to indulge your nipple fetish. Be sure to let us know how your nipple experiment goes, we are titillated to find out.

Do you think fallopian tubes are sexy?

Ova in Oklahoma, Yes, I absolutely love fallopian tubes. In fact, just reading your question got me all flustered. And if you think fallopian tubes are sexy, just picture a nice mucus membrane on the end...yeah, that's hot.

I am 37 years old and still haven't hit puberty. Will I ever get to water my bush or watch my marbles descend?

Ken Doll in Kanyeville, In order to speed your puberty process, seeing how you are already 37 years old, you need to start doing some really manly things to get the testosterone flowing. Build a shed, punch a hole in a wall, maybe even put on some roller skates and dance disco in a thong. Anything like that should do the trick. And if that doesn't work, just enjoy your high singing voice and be the next Justin Timberlake. I think we can all agree that he will never be a man.

This site is crap! Why can't you do something better? By the way, I love what you are doing, keep it up!

Jake Missingpeter in Dongville, Fear not! We are always working on more delicious awesomeness for the site. We always strive for something better, even if it is difficult to get better than the best, which is what we already are. So go ahead and Digg us, check out our RSS feed, and hop on Facebook and Twitter and start following our work. It will fill that hole in your life you have been feeding with musicals and skinny jeans very nicely.

What is your name? Why are you so great?

Conner in Creighton, My name is Amadeus Knuckle Ingerden, but you can call me Drew. If you ever get confused or can't seem to remember where to find us, just remember this little jingle: AskDrewNow.com, loved by all and loves your mom." And that, my friend, is why we are so great. Check out more of our videos, follow us on Twitter, join our group on Facebook, enter our contests and win great prizes! Wow, even I'm excited!

How do I get my girlfriend to stop humming the AskDrewNow.com theme song in bed when we are trying to get intimate?

Dacklenut in Dazzville, I actually get asked this question a lot. Some women like to hum the theme song, others put up posters of me on their headboards, and some even ask their boyfriends to wear our deluxe latex Drew mask (for sale at fine mask stores everywhere) while they are bumping uglys. I hate to tell you this, but there is really nothing you can do to make it stop. The best you can hope for is to learn to tolerate it. You have it easy; simply buy a pair of official AskDrewNow.com ear plugs and keep them handy each time you start to feel frisky. Just be glad she hasn't asked for the mask yet, facial reconstruction surgery in my image can be very costly...and sexy.

Where is the weirdest place you have ever got your nard stuck in?

Slick Rick in Slutville, I think the strangest place I ever got my nard stuck in would probably be that time it got stuck in half of a peanut shell. It took three firemen and a gallon of Crisco to get it out. Wait a minute...did I say peanut shell...I meant toilet paper tube. Yeah, a gigantic toilet paper tube. What a crazy night that was at tap dance camp.

I have watched all of your videos and purchased practically everything from your store, but I just feel like I don't know enough about everyone I see in the videos. So really, who in the hell are you guys?

Bio Lover in Brussels, Your wish is our command! Here it is, the official Biography page to help get you one step closer to all of your favorite stars on AskDrewNow.com. Pop some popcorn, curl up with a blanket, and enjoy a little piece of us HERE.

What is your favorite video that you've done?

Closet Hose in Charleston, By far, my favorite video we have ever done is our newest creation, Milk! We believe this video will revolutionize the way people watch and create online videos for years to come. The time we put in to this is obvious. It literally took us years to perfect this video and now it is finally here, for everyone to enjoy! So sit back with an ice cold glass of Kool-Aid and watch Milk, you will not be disappointed.